What Voice is Winning?
As we enter into the Christmas season, my 4th month as a Greensboro fellow, I am so thankful I made the last minute decision to join this program. As I considered and even began the fellows program, I had many negative preconceptions and expectations, all rooted in the intense grief experience that has been my reality the past two years.
Fellows has been full of hurdles for me as I turn to look my faith in the eyes amidst life circumstances that may never make any sense on this side of Heaven. Sometimes it feels like I am a track star jumping over them fearlessly, and sometimes it feels more like those funny Youtube videos where the runner trips and falls every single jump and ends up dramatically pushing the hurdles down with their hands just to finish. The race can feel empowering, humbling, hilarious, slightly humiliating or just plain impossible, sometimes all at once; and it often feels like the 400 meter circle is never-ending. At times, I would rather just exit the track altogether, but staying and at least attempting to leap has been worth it, even if I feel like I am trailing in last place.
The loudest voices in my life the past few years have been ones of anger, hurt, and self-doubt– most definitely not the voice of God. They convinced me of how things would just go poorly for me, so I learned to expect the worst to avoid inevitable letdown. I remember sitting in my car before meeting the other fellows for the first time, fully convinced that I would not fit in with the group, which I now see as those voices winning the war in my mind. (And they were so wrong!)
One practice I have begun is asking myself “what voice is winning right now?” whenever I catch something negative slip out of my mouth or a downbeat thought enters my mind. And I have found that probably 90% of the time, it's not a voice I should be listening to or giving power over my life. I will (sometimes audibly) tell that voice “you don’t get to take over today”, which may or may not make me look crazy in public settings, but as weird as it sounds, it has really helped me open my heart to new voices– ones of encouragement, hope, and truth.
As time in this program passes, I am feeling my heart loosen its tightly built exterior, even when the hurdles standing in the way of my faith leave scratches and bruises. Because when I let the voice of truth in, it continuously tells me the race is worth running.
So I encourage you to honestly ask yourself, “what voice is winning?”, because you may be surprised at what you find; and remember that you have a say in it and that new voices can become winners, too.
-Katelyn Arney